Archive for March, 2009

A friend at work was babysitting his sister’s two kids – a girl of 3 and a boy of 5. They were playing with a couple of old Barbie and Ken dolls she’d dug out for them.

He looked up from watching TV to see Barbie bent over with Ken mounting her from the rear.

“Woah, kids – you can’t do that to Ken and Barbie!” He said. The boy looked up, a picture of innocence, and replied –

“It’s safe Uncle Pete, he’s doing her up the shitter…”


Where did it all go wrong…?



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Tooth Hurtee

I am infected. A nasty little colony of bacteria has set up home in the gum under my lower right wisdom tooth. They’ve been having wild parties and generally whooping it up now for a few weeks. The upshot of this for me is that the tooth has been pushed upwards out of my jaw by about a millimeter – which feels like 6 inches – and every time I place any kind of pressure on it the sensation is akin to someone slamming a lump-hammer into my face.

As I am currently on medication (oh, just don’t ask) I cannot take paracetamol or ibuprofen so the nearest pain killers I could lay my hands on in lieu of a trip to the dentist were codeine tablets left over from a back problem last year (yes I am falling to bits). So I took a couple. Highly recommended. I never used to understand why people become addcited to such drugs, but the soothing blanket which descended over my world was really quite pleasant. I became such a space cadet that I couldn’t even make a cup of tea properly (left it brewing for about 20 minutes, then discovered I hadn’t even put a tea bag in in the first place). Basically I was wasted, slaughtered, stoned. But the pain went. I managed to phone work the next morning – once I realised I was still flying round the room – and garbled some nonsense at them (I have no idea what I said). Then took two more.

Yes. A very pleasant Tuesday. Managed to make my floaty way to the dentist who looked at the tooth, squeezed some pus out, thrust some antibiotics at me and charged me £25. When I produced 3 tenners the receptionist whinged about not having enough change in the till. I just stood there grinning, it felt like I was several miles away watching everything on a little blurry screen.

Don’t worry, I stopped the pills and went back to work, but I can understand the temptation, when life seems a bit too intrusive, angry, unfair etc to just retreat into this weird smoky self-indulgent world of hazy incomprehension and no worry or stress.

See y’all at rehab!


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